An update on my life, Sep 2018.

An update on my life, Sep 2018.

'One has confused displeasure with one kind of displeasure, with exhaustion; the latter does indeed represent a profound diminution and reduction of the will to power, measurable loss of force.[..]

The great confusion [..] consisted on not distinguishing between these two kinds of please: that of falling asleep and that of victory. The exhausted want rest, relaxation, peace, calm - the happiness of the nihilistic religions and philosophies; the rich and living want victory, opponents overcome, the overflow of the feeling of power across wider domains than hithero.'

(Nietzche, 'The will to power')

The thing is: the philosopher stopped there, satisfied with giving revelatory theories, and never told me how to stop being exhausted. That's why I stopped doing philosophy and went to counselling instead.

No it's not why. I joked. I just graduated recently (with a philsophy degree).

My carefree undergraduate years are irretrievably gone. I started to live with a glooming fear: that they will be the greatest years of my live, the three years in Lancaster. The freedom, the relaxation, the peace, the calmness, the young love, my metaphorical invisibilty.

Going to lectures, reading random papers, writing essays (as much as I procrastinate and moan before the deadlines), revising and taking exams were some of the most joyful experiences that I have had. Life is worth living when the sky is especially blue; when the icecream flavour I picked randomly is surprisingly good; or when the lecturer is delivering something beautifully. It is enjoyable to be a sentient being when you are walking alone with inconsequential thoughts; when you discover compassion and empathy (it is always a discovery for me); or when you are doing something that make you feel like being yourself.

I'm often criticised for always picking the more effortless, the more comfortable choices. But I could never resist their appeals.

Doing philosophy was something that felt natural to me much of the time. Neither am I great at it nor do I wish to pursue it further.

(Perhaps I'm committing the mistake (often made by those with a predisposition towards philosophical thinking) of forcing ideas on reality, strongly believing that it will work out?)

Though nowhere as focused as I should be, for the first time I'm pursuing ideals instead of continuously seeking to feel at home. Though still too often being exhausted, I'm trying not to let 'rest, relaxation, peace, calm' be my ultimate goals. I'm not hungry, but I'm growing a appetite for 'the feeling of power across wider domains'.

I don't really know where to start. Perhaps it is a doomed project. But who cares that much about consequences when there is always a foreseeable escape, a definite end point to rely on when everything goes wrong?
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