Earlier today I was half reading an online article by an American author. The writer seemed to be nostalgic about a time when people would dial a telephone number to hear a robotic but friendly voice telling them the time of the day. The illustrative photo shows a rotary telephone, something that belongs to a past I can't claim mine. I never knew that number in America people dial for time telling. I hardly remember myself dialing that archaic telephone, even though I have seen a photo of three-year-old me doing it. Why was there the feeling of secondhand nostalgia that drowned me almost immediately? Perhaps the author's description was too convincing, too moving. And perhaps at that moment I was longing to relate to someone else's sentiment. I was desperate for a symbolic conversation that shouldn't have been that difficult to arise.
Yesterday, I was half reading another article (I can't finish stuffs these days): 'How to Write About a Vanishing World?'. Plants, animals, ice caps - scientists are studying and writing about things that are disappearing.
The day before yesterday, I was watching a documentary about the last shepherds with their flocks of sheep in a mountain range. Once in while, daylight disappears. The scene gets darker, darker then turns to pitch black. Trees, sheep and the shepherd were no longer seen, despite their noises still being heard. The total darkness took away some sights that had become slightly familiar to me. Nature ultimately overrides humans in darkness. I felt vulnerable in front of the screen.
_
An update on my life, Sep 2018.
An update on my life, Sep 2018.
'One has confused displeasure with one kind of displeasure, with exhaustion; the latter does indeed represent a profound diminution and reduction of the will to power, measurable loss of force.[..]
The great confusion [..] consisted on not distinguishing between these two kinds of please: that of falling asleep and that of victory. The exhausted want rest, relaxation, peace, calm - the happiness of the nihilistic religions and philosophies; the rich and living want victory, opponents overcome, the overflow of the feeling of power across wider domains than hithero.'
(Nietzche, 'The will to power')
The thing is: the philosopher stopped there, satisfied with giving revelatory theories, and never told me how to stop being exhausted. That's why I stopped doing philosophy and went to counselling instead.
No it's not why. I joked. I just graduated recently (with a philsophy degree).
My carefree undergraduate years are irretrievably gone. I started to live with a glooming fear: that they will be the greatest years of my live, the three years in Lancaster. The freedom, the relaxation, the peace, the calmness, the young love, my metaphorical invisibilty.
Going to lectures, reading random papers, writing essays (as much as I procrastinate and moan before the deadlines), revising and taking exams were some of the most joyful experiences that I have had. Life is worth living when the sky is especially blue; when the icecream flavour I picked randomly is surprisingly good; or when the lecturer is delivering something beautifully. It is enjoyable to be a sentient being when you are walking alone with inconsequential thoughts; when you discover compassion and empathy (it is always a discovery for me); or when you are doing something that make you feel like being yourself.
I'm often criticised for always picking the more effortless, the more comfortable choices. But I could never resist their appeals.
Doing philosophy was something that felt natural to me much of the time. Neither am I great at it nor do I wish to pursue it further.
(Perhaps I'm committing the mistake (often made by those with a predisposition towards philosophical thinking) of forcing ideas on reality, strongly believing that it will work out?)
Though nowhere as focused as I should be, for the first time I'm pursuing ideals instead of continuously seeking to feel at home. Though still too often being exhausted, I'm trying not to let 'rest, relaxation, peace, calm' be my ultimate goals. I'm not hungry, but I'm growing a appetite for 'the feeling of power across wider domains'.
I don't really know where to start. Perhaps it is a doomed project. But who cares that much about consequences when there is always a foreseeable escape, a definite end point to rely on when everything goes wrong?
.
'One has confused displeasure with one kind of displeasure, with exhaustion; the latter does indeed represent a profound diminution and reduction of the will to power, measurable loss of force.[..]
The great confusion [..] consisted on not distinguishing between these two kinds of please: that of falling asleep and that of victory. The exhausted want rest, relaxation, peace, calm - the happiness of the nihilistic religions and philosophies; the rich and living want victory, opponents overcome, the overflow of the feeling of power across wider domains than hithero.'
(Nietzche, 'The will to power')
The thing is: the philosopher stopped there, satisfied with giving revelatory theories, and never told me how to stop being exhausted. That's why I stopped doing philosophy and went to counselling instead.
No it's not why. I joked. I just graduated recently (with a philsophy degree).
My carefree undergraduate years are irretrievably gone. I started to live with a glooming fear: that they will be the greatest years of my live, the three years in Lancaster. The freedom, the relaxation, the peace, the calmness, the young love, my metaphorical invisibilty.
Going to lectures, reading random papers, writing essays (as much as I procrastinate and moan before the deadlines), revising and taking exams were some of the most joyful experiences that I have had. Life is worth living when the sky is especially blue; when the icecream flavour I picked randomly is surprisingly good; or when the lecturer is delivering something beautifully. It is enjoyable to be a sentient being when you are walking alone with inconsequential thoughts; when you discover compassion and empathy (it is always a discovery for me); or when you are doing something that make you feel like being yourself.
I'm often criticised for always picking the more effortless, the more comfortable choices. But I could never resist their appeals.
Doing philosophy was something that felt natural to me much of the time. Neither am I great at it nor do I wish to pursue it further.
(Perhaps I'm committing the mistake (often made by those with a predisposition towards philosophical thinking) of forcing ideas on reality, strongly believing that it will work out?)
Though nowhere as focused as I should be, for the first time I'm pursuing ideals instead of continuously seeking to feel at home. Though still too often being exhausted, I'm trying not to let 'rest, relaxation, peace, calm' be my ultimate goals. I'm not hungry, but I'm growing a appetite for 'the feeling of power across wider domains'.
I don't really know where to start. Perhaps it is a doomed project. But who cares that much about consequences when there is always a foreseeable escape, a definite end point to rely on when everything goes wrong?
.
love letter 15.08
10 minutes ago, you started to hug me tighter and tighter as you were falling asleep. Happiness filled up my heart again.
.
I still remember that afternoon of lazy napping, maybe a month after we moved in together. I unfailingly found us hugging whenever I slightly woke up during the nap. I told you after that it must be our first time hugging all the time as we sleep. You said that you always hug me when we sleep, so there's nothing special about it.
I cherish the afternoon as a special memory in my heart anyway. Few other things could ever bring me as much happiness as opening my eyes once in every short while and still having you close.
Happy memories are essential to life. How else would one survive unjustified loneliness? How else would one survive unexpected bouts of deep insecurity?
.
I guess I must have thousands of things to tell you but have let them disappear from my thoughts before reaching your ears.
Like, today, when you told me about the meme thing, your lips spread into a smile so lovely my heart must have stopped beating for a moment. I must have died and been reborn infinite times during that moment of your smile. I should have kissed you more.
Like, you know, I forgot about it afterwards until very recently, but in the middle of being extremely stupefied and terrified on that scary evening, a part of me enjoyed how I got to refer to you as my husband continuously for the first time.
.
I now finally understand that actions can't be undone and likewise words can't be unsaid. If I kept unfairly antagonising you (I promise there is never true resentment in me), I would be slowly pushing you away from me. And I don't want that.
.
Today you said jokingly with a hint of sincerity (I don't believe in jokes) that we should break up as we are such different people wanting different things in life. Honestly, I thought about our differences too quite a lot. But at this point it doesn't matter to me. We shared that afternoon (and many other days and nights) of blissfully hugging and sleeping. On that night of power cut, I came back from my walk to find you sitting against the wall, doodling something on your notebook, away from everybody else. When I decided to take another walk, you asked if you could join me. I said yes. We have joined each other for a bit of time since then. Even when things stop being effortless, I'm willing to try to keep what we have, even just for another season of the year, even if one day we may grow out of our faith in the forever.
You always hug me so tight when we sleep. How could I ever let you go? Differences or no differences, my possessiveness doesn't know reasons.
.
It took me quite a long time to write this. Maybe you don't enjoy my letters that much. After all it was me who fell in love over your well written story and not vice versa. But I don't think I'm better at expressing myself in any other way.
I love you a lot. We will survive it all.
your dearest wife.
p.s: I want some quiet hugs tomorrow even when we are not sleeping.
evening statement
Hegel said that first you need to see another person in order to be aware of yourself as a person. Or it would just be a blurry quasi-perception of yourself as somehow different from the rest of the world - the world of potential food and other insentient objects that you are free to exploit to satisfy your desires.
So I needed to see you and know you so that I came to understand myself better. I still find it a profoundly fun activity to juxtapose, to compromise my own perspectives and desires with those of someone so close to me.
*
I know with all honesty that whenever I need to beg for forgiveness from someone, it is never a case of truly genuine hope to be forgiven. Most probably, I find the need to say such words or my life would be harmed in some way. I need to achieve a certain attitude from that person for my own benefits.
Moreover, if I do wrong to someone, it is most definitely because I prioritise myself at the expense of that person. Why would I ever actually feel sorry for prioritising myself?
*
Anyway, let me finish telling the anecdote.
I was alone in the world of food and insentient objects.
I met you. I became conscious of myself, and you, the similarities and differences between us.
Interactions happened. Communication took place.
But at some point communication broke down, shattered, was demolished. No fun left. The end of further insight. Little consciousnesses reached their limits.
You are now just another object for me to exploit, arsehole.
So I needed to see you and know you so that I came to understand myself better. I still find it a profoundly fun activity to juxtapose, to compromise my own perspectives and desires with those of someone so close to me.
*
I know with all honesty that whenever I need to beg for forgiveness from someone, it is never a case of truly genuine hope to be forgiven. Most probably, I find the need to say such words or my life would be harmed in some way. I need to achieve a certain attitude from that person for my own benefits.
Moreover, if I do wrong to someone, it is most definitely because I prioritise myself at the expense of that person. Why would I ever actually feel sorry for prioritising myself?
*
Anyway, let me finish telling the anecdote.
I was alone in the world of food and insentient objects.
I met you. I became conscious of myself, and you, the similarities and differences between us.
Interactions happened. Communication took place.
But at some point communication broke down, shattered, was demolished. No fun left. The end of further insight. Little consciousnesses reached their limits.
You are now just another object for me to exploit, arsehole.
despair
don't understand suffering.
why wasn't everything created and developed in such a way that suffering simply doesn't exist?
why wasn't everything created and developed in such a way that suffering simply doesn't exist?
love letter 01.05
I was thinking about the boundary of your love. I was trying to perceive in my mind the limit where your love for me would vanish. So that I can stop myself before I accidentally cross back into that strange realm of not being loved by you. I don't even remember how being there felt like.
Maybe you will stop loving after I destroy your new shirt again by overheating it in the dryer for the 100th time. If that's the limit, I will stop doing laundry after destroying your 99th shirt. I will take over washing dishes and vacuuming the floor and beg you to be in charge of the laundry.
Maybe you will no longer love me if I sell your computer to someone for no reason without telling you or if I give make you eat rice with boiled weird meat for more than 3 weeks.
I need to know the boundary so that I won't cross it. But I will be close. I will keep moving closer to the boundary then stop myself right before it and run back to a safe place. You will still love me. And I will boast to myself and the indifferent world how I am such a loved thing.
__________
I was also thinking about that little restaurant in Vilnius we stopped for two soups of the day, two coffees and two lemon kompot after walking for hours away from the city centre. We were both very pleased to come across a cute random little food place in the unfamiliar place, even if the food wasn't that exciting. I still remember that the lemon thing was too bitter.
Isn't a happy relationship made up of little shared joys? Everything else falls apart. Material things or made up values. Most of the time when I say something - anything, a small but non-dismissible part in me feel like I'm just telling a lie, to the other person or to myself. Let's take all sayings at face value. Let's not completely trust anyone, even each other, especially each other. I'm morally corrupt. I'm only nice to you so that you are nice to me back. Let's not make plans.
But let's stick to each other to the days of old age. Having you in my life is my strategy to survive.
Little shared joys. Unexciting lemon kompot. Evil Lithuanian bastards who didn't welcome us. Little shared anti-joys.
Every shared moment, even if passing, is of timeless and immeasurable value.
I say that out of a state of despair, thinking about the inevitable collapse of most stuffs.
But the only infinite thing about my existence is the echoes of little shared joys and anti-joys. These echoes will outlive our days, become a stable part of the universe that physics doesn't know about.
Maybe you will stop loving after I destroy your new shirt again by overheating it in the dryer for the 100th time. If that's the limit, I will stop doing laundry after destroying your 99th shirt. I will take over washing dishes and vacuuming the floor and beg you to be in charge of the laundry.
Maybe you will no longer love me if I sell your computer to someone for no reason without telling you or if I give make you eat rice with boiled weird meat for more than 3 weeks.
I need to know the boundary so that I won't cross it. But I will be close. I will keep moving closer to the boundary then stop myself right before it and run back to a safe place. You will still love me. And I will boast to myself and the indifferent world how I am such a loved thing.
__________
I was also thinking about that little restaurant in Vilnius we stopped for two soups of the day, two coffees and two lemon kompot after walking for hours away from the city centre. We were both very pleased to come across a cute random little food place in the unfamiliar place, even if the food wasn't that exciting. I still remember that the lemon thing was too bitter.
Isn't a happy relationship made up of little shared joys? Everything else falls apart. Material things or made up values. Most of the time when I say something - anything, a small but non-dismissible part in me feel like I'm just telling a lie, to the other person or to myself. Let's take all sayings at face value. Let's not completely trust anyone, even each other, especially each other. I'm morally corrupt. I'm only nice to you so that you are nice to me back. Let's not make plans.
But let's stick to each other to the days of old age. Having you in my life is my strategy to survive.
Little shared joys. Unexciting lemon kompot. Evil Lithuanian bastards who didn't welcome us. Little shared anti-joys.
Every shared moment, even if passing, is of timeless and immeasurable value.
I say that out of a state of despair, thinking about the inevitable collapse of most stuffs.
But the only infinite thing about my existence is the echoes of little shared joys and anti-joys. These echoes will outlive our days, become a stable part of the universe that physics doesn't know about.
I feel humble as a mediocre creature. I was angry but soon became indifferent about my lack of power. But having you within sight in the same room with me rebuilds and rebuilds in my soul the splendid castle that continues to fall apart and fall apart. The splendid, beautiful castle falls apart and gets rebuilt and falls apart and gets rebuilt.
__________
A poem-ish to you.
You can chain me up
in the name of love.
I allow you to.
Questions on happiness
- I had countless inconsistent answers to.
Since we met,
the only answer is you.
These days,
I feel bad rather than celebrate when I sleep too much.
I eat more chicken breasts than chicken wings.
I see all these influences from you in me.
Hence, therefore, so: this must be love.
Vân
06.03.2018 lúc rất sớm
p.s: I'm so sweet.
in the name of love.
I allow you to.
Questions on happiness
- I had countless inconsistent answers to.
Since we met,
the only answer is you.
These days,
I feel bad rather than celebrate when I sleep too much.
I eat more chicken breasts than chicken wings.
I see all these influences from you in me.
Hence, therefore, so: this must be love.
Vân
06.03.2018 lúc rất sớm
p.s: I'm so sweet.
Tiredness
I found the most strikingly honest pieces of writings in books, and not in any other forms of printing. I guess one has more freedom and power as the author of a book than of an article, printed or online. 'Shut up. You don't get to talk - to voice your opinions - to say anything against me right now.' The moment you open a book and start to read it, you should be a mute and humble passenger in an unfamiliar world. Many times, too unfamiliar, what have you got to say?
This should be a reminder for myself to read books more. I don't read books often.
My days seem to be a monotonous string of inactivity, physical and mental. I seem to forget how to use my power of choice to bring out even a smallest change. I just picked to eat a too-sour clementine from the clementine box I bought this noon. In my ideal world, I only bought the right things. I ate only the things that contribute positively to my well-being and taste wonderful at the same time.
I remember random moments in my life. Moments when I'm alone, thinking. I remember some of them more dearly than most big meaningful moments. I remember once walking along a small road behind my A-level school, thinking that the only solution for me is to learn to do every single thing from scratch. How to walk. How to breath. How to open and close my eyes. How to turn around on a rare occasion when I heard vaguely my name being called. Occasionally I feel a strong sense that everything I do is utterly wrong. But I don't think much about the negative things someone may have mentioned about me. A poor spatial sense. I hit people too often when I walk. My choice of jeans makes my legs look fat. My skin is too dry. Not those kinds of things. I think simply that if I walked in the right way and breathed correctly, I would be a perfect thing. But I don't - I'm not. How depressing.
If you know me enough, you must have heard me mentioning these things. Honesty. Monotony. A cup of tea. No cup of tea. I just finished it. This year I bought such a huge box of tea I will never finish it. How depressing.
Today as I was rambling to my boyfriend on the bus, I realised I talk about the same things again and again. I told him that I should find new stuffs to talk about. He suggested we talk about that manhole door we saw. I thought it was a very interesting thing to talk about. We started to talk about it gleefully. But soon after that we reached the market - where I bought the clementines. The conversation about manhole doors was interrupted. I forgot about it. I spent the rest of my day talking about my old stuffs again and eating clementines that are too sour.
I was lying. We also had a minor fight. We reconciled. I said it's so obvious that I'm always right in this relationship - why you even have to wonder otherwise. I know he wonders that sometimes, which is such a wrong thing to do. We had sex. The whole thing took three hours and a bit more. I will use that as an excuse why I didn't get to read that book I borrowed from the library earlier.
I have to make a confession. Sometimes I get slightly aggravated when my boyfriend is sleepy. I feel like it's his way to dominate me gradually - forcing his sleepiness on my attention - manipulating me to change my ways of things because of his sleepiness. What's his real plan under all these cuteness and loveliness? I suspect everything. But sometimes he goes to sleep because of a coming migraines. Headaches and stuffs. Such good reason. How can I complain?
So I'll go to sleep with him.
This should be a reminder for myself to read books more. I don't read books often.
My days seem to be a monotonous string of inactivity, physical and mental. I seem to forget how to use my power of choice to bring out even a smallest change. I just picked to eat a too-sour clementine from the clementine box I bought this noon. In my ideal world, I only bought the right things. I ate only the things that contribute positively to my well-being and taste wonderful at the same time.
I remember random moments in my life. Moments when I'm alone, thinking. I remember some of them more dearly than most big meaningful moments. I remember once walking along a small road behind my A-level school, thinking that the only solution for me is to learn to do every single thing from scratch. How to walk. How to breath. How to open and close my eyes. How to turn around on a rare occasion when I heard vaguely my name being called. Occasionally I feel a strong sense that everything I do is utterly wrong. But I don't think much about the negative things someone may have mentioned about me. A poor spatial sense. I hit people too often when I walk. My choice of jeans makes my legs look fat. My skin is too dry. Not those kinds of things. I think simply that if I walked in the right way and breathed correctly, I would be a perfect thing. But I don't - I'm not. How depressing.
If you know me enough, you must have heard me mentioning these things. Honesty. Monotony. A cup of tea. No cup of tea. I just finished it. This year I bought such a huge box of tea I will never finish it. How depressing.
Today as I was rambling to my boyfriend on the bus, I realised I talk about the same things again and again. I told him that I should find new stuffs to talk about. He suggested we talk about that manhole door we saw. I thought it was a very interesting thing to talk about. We started to talk about it gleefully. But soon after that we reached the market - where I bought the clementines. The conversation about manhole doors was interrupted. I forgot about it. I spent the rest of my day talking about my old stuffs again and eating clementines that are too sour.
I was lying. We also had a minor fight. We reconciled. I said it's so obvious that I'm always right in this relationship - why you even have to wonder otherwise. I know he wonders that sometimes, which is such a wrong thing to do. We had sex. The whole thing took three hours and a bit more. I will use that as an excuse why I didn't get to read that book I borrowed from the library earlier.
I have to make a confession. Sometimes I get slightly aggravated when my boyfriend is sleepy. I feel like it's his way to dominate me gradually - forcing his sleepiness on my attention - manipulating me to change my ways of things because of his sleepiness. What's his real plan under all these cuteness and loveliness? I suspect everything. But sometimes he goes to sleep because of a coming migraines. Headaches and stuffs. Such good reason. How can I complain?
So I'll go to sleep with him.
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