10 minutes ago, you started to hug me tighter and tighter as you were falling asleep. Happiness filled up my heart again.
.
I still remember that afternoon of lazy napping, maybe a month after we moved in together. I unfailingly found us hugging whenever I slightly woke up during the nap. I told you after that it must be our first time hugging all the time as we sleep. You said that you always hug me when we sleep, so there's nothing special about it.
I cherish the afternoon as a special memory in my heart anyway. Few other things could ever bring me as much happiness as opening my eyes once in every short while and still having you close.
Happy memories are essential to life. How else would one survive unjustified loneliness? How else would one survive unexpected bouts of deep insecurity?
.
I guess I must have thousands of things to tell you but have let them disappear from my thoughts before reaching your ears.
Like, today, when you told me about the meme thing, your lips spread into a smile so lovely my heart must have stopped beating for a moment. I must have died and been reborn infinite times during that moment of your smile. I should have kissed you more.
Like, you know, I forgot about it afterwards until very recently, but in the middle of being extremely stupefied and terrified on that scary evening, a part of me enjoyed how I got to refer to you as my husband continuously for the first time.
.
I now finally understand that actions can't be undone and likewise words can't be unsaid. If I kept unfairly antagonising you (I promise there is never true resentment in me), I would be slowly pushing you away from me. And I don't want that.
.
Today you said jokingly with a hint of sincerity (I don't believe in jokes) that we should break up as we are such different people wanting different things in life. Honestly, I thought about our differences too quite a lot. But at this point it doesn't matter to me. We shared that afternoon (and many other days and nights) of blissfully hugging and sleeping. On that night of power cut, I came back from my walk to find you sitting against the wall, doodling something on your notebook, away from everybody else. When I decided to take another walk, you asked if you could join me. I said yes. We have joined each other for a bit of time since then. Even when things stop being effortless, I'm willing to try to keep what we have, even just for another season of the year, even if one day we may grow out of our faith in the forever.
You always hug me so tight when we sleep. How could I ever let you go? Differences or no differences, my possessiveness doesn't know reasons.
.
It took me quite a long time to write this. Maybe you don't enjoy my letters that much. After all it was me who fell in love over your well written story and not vice versa. But I don't think I'm better at expressing myself in any other way.
I love you a lot. We will survive it all.
your dearest wife.
p.s: I want some quiet hugs tomorrow even when we are not sleeping.
