I got my hair curly.
I went out of my way to see people I can just see in uni.
My husband abandoned me.
Secrets
In 5 minutes I will delete two games that I have been addicted to for the past two months. Two whole months of my life. On a game. But, no more, enough, no more.
_
I just did.
_
I just did.
Dear Cat
Dear Cat,
Maybe I will have you. Maybe I will not.
I change my mind about you once every ten days.
I only feel like you when I'm a little down,
when my fragile ego wails,
when realisations make me feel small and hurt,
when I juggle anger and fear in my soul.
But my husband gives me love, keeps me distracted too much.
I'm not lonely enough to be committed to wanting a cat.
That's my problem.
Maybe I will have you. Maybe I will not.
I change my mind about you once every ten days.
I only feel like you when I'm a little down,
when my fragile ego wails,
when realisations make me feel small and hurt,
when I juggle anger and fear in my soul.
But my husband gives me love, keeps me distracted too much.
I'm not lonely enough to be committed to wanting a cat.
That's my problem.
18/08/2019
I didn't start on my dissertation. I didn't go to Altrinham to shoot establishing scenes for my film. But it's fine.
I went to the park to take pictures of myself hugging trees. I realised I do not like how I look in the photos. So I wanted to take pictures of the tree. The tree that I hugged. I wanted to make a video about the tree. I realised I lost my key. I found out I didn't lose my key. Anyway, I will come back and film the tree more.
I was wondering, what 'life' means. As in, for example, when they say 'life is beautiful', what is included in 'life'? Is a stone included in 'life' when they say 'life is beautiful'? A stone is not a living thing. But if we are talking about a stone that a person sees - contemplates about - even writes a poem about, the stone is part of her life now. So the stone is included in 'life'? 'Life' also includes living things' experiences and perceptions..?
Last week I did a lot of 'how are you doing' and heard a lot of 'bless you'. I went along with all of them. I'm an accomplice now.
I went to the park to take pictures of myself hugging trees. I realised I do not like how I look in the photos. So I wanted to take pictures of the tree. The tree that I hugged. I wanted to make a video about the tree. I realised I lost my key. I found out I didn't lose my key. Anyway, I will come back and film the tree more.
I was wondering, what 'life' means. As in, for example, when they say 'life is beautiful', what is included in 'life'? Is a stone included in 'life' when they say 'life is beautiful'? A stone is not a living thing. But if we are talking about a stone that a person sees - contemplates about - even writes a poem about, the stone is part of her life now. So the stone is included in 'life'? 'Life' also includes living things' experiences and perceptions..?
Last week I did a lot of 'how are you doing' and heard a lot of 'bless you'. I went along with all of them. I'm an accomplice now.
secondhand nostalgia. inconsequential sadness
Earlier today I was half reading an online article by an American author. The writer seemed to be nostalgic about a time when people would dial a telephone number to hear a robotic but friendly voice telling them the time of the day. The illustrative photo shows a rotary telephone, something that belongs to a past I can't claim mine. I never knew that number in America people dial for time telling. I hardly remember myself dialing that archaic telephone, even though I have seen a photo of three-year-old me doing it. Why was there the feeling of secondhand nostalgia that drowned me almost immediately? Perhaps the author's description was too convincing, too moving. And perhaps at that moment I was longing to relate to someone else's sentiment. I was desperate for a symbolic conversation that shouldn't have been that difficult to arise.
Yesterday, I was half reading another article (I can't finish stuffs these days): 'How to Write About a Vanishing World?'. Plants, animals, ice caps - scientists are studying and writing about things that are disappearing.
The day before yesterday, I was watching a documentary about the last shepherds with their flocks of sheep in a mountain range. Once in while, daylight disappears. The scene gets darker, darker then turns to pitch black. Trees, sheep and the shepherd were no longer seen, despite their noises still being heard. The total darkness took away some sights that had become slightly familiar to me. Nature ultimately overrides humans in darkness. I felt vulnerable in front of the screen.
_
Yesterday, I was half reading another article (I can't finish stuffs these days): 'How to Write About a Vanishing World?'. Plants, animals, ice caps - scientists are studying and writing about things that are disappearing.
The day before yesterday, I was watching a documentary about the last shepherds with their flocks of sheep in a mountain range. Once in while, daylight disappears. The scene gets darker, darker then turns to pitch black. Trees, sheep and the shepherd were no longer seen, despite their noises still being heard. The total darkness took away some sights that had become slightly familiar to me. Nature ultimately overrides humans in darkness. I felt vulnerable in front of the screen.
_
An update on my life, Sep 2018.
An update on my life, Sep 2018.
'One has confused displeasure with one kind of displeasure, with exhaustion; the latter does indeed represent a profound diminution and reduction of the will to power, measurable loss of force.[..]
The great confusion [..] consisted on not distinguishing between these two kinds of please: that of falling asleep and that of victory. The exhausted want rest, relaxation, peace, calm - the happiness of the nihilistic religions and philosophies; the rich and living want victory, opponents overcome, the overflow of the feeling of power across wider domains than hithero.'
(Nietzche, 'The will to power')
The thing is: the philosopher stopped there, satisfied with giving revelatory theories, and never told me how to stop being exhausted. That's why I stopped doing philosophy and went to counselling instead.
No it's not why. I joked. I just graduated recently (with a philsophy degree).
My carefree undergraduate years are irretrievably gone. I started to live with a glooming fear: that they will be the greatest years of my live, the three years in Lancaster. The freedom, the relaxation, the peace, the calmness, the young love, my metaphorical invisibilty.
Going to lectures, reading random papers, writing essays (as much as I procrastinate and moan before the deadlines), revising and taking exams were some of the most joyful experiences that I have had. Life is worth living when the sky is especially blue; when the icecream flavour I picked randomly is surprisingly good; or when the lecturer is delivering something beautifully. It is enjoyable to be a sentient being when you are walking alone with inconsequential thoughts; when you discover compassion and empathy (it is always a discovery for me); or when you are doing something that make you feel like being yourself.
I'm often criticised for always picking the more effortless, the more comfortable choices. But I could never resist their appeals.
Doing philosophy was something that felt natural to me much of the time. Neither am I great at it nor do I wish to pursue it further.
(Perhaps I'm committing the mistake (often made by those with a predisposition towards philosophical thinking) of forcing ideas on reality, strongly believing that it will work out?)
Though nowhere as focused as I should be, for the first time I'm pursuing ideals instead of continuously seeking to feel at home. Though still too often being exhausted, I'm trying not to let 'rest, relaxation, peace, calm' be my ultimate goals. I'm not hungry, but I'm growing a appetite for 'the feeling of power across wider domains'.
I don't really know where to start. Perhaps it is a doomed project. But who cares that much about consequences when there is always a foreseeable escape, a definite end point to rely on when everything goes wrong?
.
'One has confused displeasure with one kind of displeasure, with exhaustion; the latter does indeed represent a profound diminution and reduction of the will to power, measurable loss of force.[..]
The great confusion [..] consisted on not distinguishing between these two kinds of please: that of falling asleep and that of victory. The exhausted want rest, relaxation, peace, calm - the happiness of the nihilistic religions and philosophies; the rich and living want victory, opponents overcome, the overflow of the feeling of power across wider domains than hithero.'
(Nietzche, 'The will to power')
The thing is: the philosopher stopped there, satisfied with giving revelatory theories, and never told me how to stop being exhausted. That's why I stopped doing philosophy and went to counselling instead.
No it's not why. I joked. I just graduated recently (with a philsophy degree).
My carefree undergraduate years are irretrievably gone. I started to live with a glooming fear: that they will be the greatest years of my live, the three years in Lancaster. The freedom, the relaxation, the peace, the calmness, the young love, my metaphorical invisibilty.
Going to lectures, reading random papers, writing essays (as much as I procrastinate and moan before the deadlines), revising and taking exams were some of the most joyful experiences that I have had. Life is worth living when the sky is especially blue; when the icecream flavour I picked randomly is surprisingly good; or when the lecturer is delivering something beautifully. It is enjoyable to be a sentient being when you are walking alone with inconsequential thoughts; when you discover compassion and empathy (it is always a discovery for me); or when you are doing something that make you feel like being yourself.
I'm often criticised for always picking the more effortless, the more comfortable choices. But I could never resist their appeals.
Doing philosophy was something that felt natural to me much of the time. Neither am I great at it nor do I wish to pursue it further.
(Perhaps I'm committing the mistake (often made by those with a predisposition towards philosophical thinking) of forcing ideas on reality, strongly believing that it will work out?)
Though nowhere as focused as I should be, for the first time I'm pursuing ideals instead of continuously seeking to feel at home. Though still too often being exhausted, I'm trying not to let 'rest, relaxation, peace, calm' be my ultimate goals. I'm not hungry, but I'm growing a appetite for 'the feeling of power across wider domains'.
I don't really know where to start. Perhaps it is a doomed project. But who cares that much about consequences when there is always a foreseeable escape, a definite end point to rely on when everything goes wrong?
.
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