I thought I would sleep soon when you were calling me from the bed to come sleep with you 'pleeeease'. You hugged me so tight for a few seconds, telling me you had nightmares. I kind of liked the smell from your sleepy mouth. I didn't want to go away from bed any more. 'I will sleep', I thought, 'I'm so calm and peaceful in your arms and legs.'
But I didn't sleep. My mind kept wandering. The streams of thoughts never stopped.
*
I will write down some thoughts that I want to keep in my memory for a while. I actually think so rarely these days that thoughts become precious. Damn. I want to retain those thoughts because I believe they represent the part in me with a positive and healthy outlook on life and work as an alternative to the Vân who says 'I want to die!' with a so sad face just because I need to do something productive.
I'm in a middle of writing a script for my video essay. I wrote, deleted, rewrote the same paragraph many times. I will be doing the same thing again and again.
At some point I questioned myself if I was engaged enough with the topic. I read about it and thought about it. But maybe I just had a basic interest in it, even when I picked the topic myself. How am I to create something that can be engaging when I'm myself not much, much more engaged in it than an average person?
It's rare for me to feel strongly about something. I only acknowledged this in a recent year. But it has been the case forever. I recall that in my childhood and teenage years, there were too many times when my classmates experience some strong collective emotions, like on the last day of school, when there's a fight, about some change in the school. And I just didn't feel much. I think that's why I have always found it quite difficult to identify with words such as 'passion', 'excitement' or even 'love' (until you, boyfriend, don't worry.)
That's the problem. I didn't feel enough about the topic. It shines through the whole process.
Yes, I was right to accuse myself of approaching the script from wrong angles. I was also right to be annoyed at my boring, wordy writing style. I was right about everything else that's wrong about the thing at the moment.
But something may make things better next time I attempt to continue, I need to make myself feel something a bit strongly. Just anything, not necessarily the topic itself. Because feelings are not thoughts that need to have specific contents. They are more flexible and and removed from the realm of consciousness. Hence they are more powerful in many ways. They affect the owner of the feelings and related people in ways no one really has control over.
Conclusion, needs to feel more when writing script.
_
Now, will go to sleep with love. Miss you so much my love xxxx
